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Tele’s pieces are always a fresh addition to the goldinwords collection, this is no exception.

When I first read this one, I was like “Gosh, all girlfriends (mine inclusive) must see this (& bfs too, if you insist). Because if guys spoke French and girls spoke Hausa, then this, friends, is your translator. I think this piece may perhaps just save your relationship; the one you’re in, or about to get into. Tele, we’re all ears…

(A long one, I think…but I hope you enjoy it as much as I did just writing it.)There’s pressing news in store for you here. Bad news: Maybe…for some. Good news: Definitely…for some.

Over the past few days, I’ve had conversations centering on this with two young ladies, friends of mine. They were two totally different individuals with markedly different outlooks on life, but they both were not aware of what I’m about to spill my guts on (at my Muse’s insistence, of course) to you reading this. During my different conversations with them I gradually came to a conclusion that had previously been arrived at by far greater minds than mine: Misunderstanding is the Number 1 Relationship-Killer in our world today.

Today, this piece is directed at the ladies, mostly. Fellas here, observe and back me up if you understand what I’m getting at. And listen when I drop something your way.

I’ve been advocating that most of my female friends find, and read, a book which helps a lot in attempts to ‘figure out’ the opposite sex…and might even lend some insight into their own persona: John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. When I become rich and have my own TV Show, it’s definitely going to be a favourite of my Book Club and I’ll add it to my annual Favourite Things hamper every year! lol

First of all, as obvious as it may seem, let me state here categorically: we are Different.

Apart from our natural individual uniqueness, by virtue of our gender, we naturally belong to a certain realm of thought and reasoning that is alien from the alternative. Kind of like comparing a rivet to a jelly bean; or French to Applied Physics; or a USB flash drive to an Ideal Milk tin car; Men to Women.

“He doesn’t care about me” (+/- like he used to) is usually what begins this type of conversation. And what makes this conversation a serious one is that we usually are talking about the ‘good’ guy. The one who doesn’t cheat, doesn’t lie, is always there when you (honestly!) need him – that guy. I mean, it’s no mystery and certainly no cause for surprise or any valiant effort if we’ve already established that this guy is a Player (cus messing around with people’s heads is what Players do). But we’re talking about the Good Guy here, I repeat.

Let me make this important point clear also: we (men) are not like you (women) when it comes to relationships and (if you’re lucky) love either:

- Women make an art out of wearing their hearts on their sleeve: Men see it as a great concession evenadmitting that they have a heart!

- Women express emotions freely, spontaneously and (if they’re the right kind of woman) honestly: to get a Man to express his emotions to you, you first have to make him admit he has any, then you get a crowbar to do some prying!

- Women say ‘I love you’ (eventually) more often than a Man will ever say so in his life: Men (initially) say it moreoften, then with time, you need a plunger to pull it out of him!

[And my albeit controversial reason for the last point is that Men understand the full meaning of those words far more than any woman ever will…because he knows that when he drops it, he’d better mean it in all it’s different implications and permutations….but that’s another story.]

A lady I liked once asked me “Why do guys change?” Now here was I, smart aleck hoping to convince her to like me too, and she was already asking me a trick question which I knew I’d fall afoul of soon after I succeed in getting her to like me back! Then from the blue, an answer suddenly came to me: Guys don’t change; they just revert to who they’ve always been!

Before I go any further, let me categorically state that if I’m spoiling any guy’s ‘moves’ by revealing this, please forgive me but I think the benefits of these young ladies understanding us far outweighs any benefits you may gain by being ‘mysterious’…no sensible lady marries a ‘mysterious’ man anyway!

The truth is that when a guy is interested in you, he’s not himself. There’s something about you that sends his CPU into overdrive! Everything about you freaks him out: even the way you hold your pen or pick up your phone to answer a call! He’ll spend time telling his best friends about the way you walk and his awe at how precisely you place each foot in front of the last one. And they’ll listen and laugh at, and with him because only they really understand what’s going on with him.

You’re a riotous explosion of sensation! Your perfume, your hair, your laugh, your smile, your behaviour, your preferences, your insecurities: the whole package drives him crazy! But he knows it’s happened before and he was disappointed when that other girl turned out to be bitchy to no end, or didn’t think he was up to her standard, or just played along to string him on and use him till he wised up and left. So he controls himself…at least he tries. But he doesn’t know what you’re thinking of him, so like any sensible applicant he learns what you want and tries to be that. Not to deceive you, but to get you interested long enough so that he can show you who he really is when he’s more comfortable with you (cause he’s gotta watch out for himself too in the end, y’kno). He does all this because he believes when you get to know him for who he really is, you’ll realise he’s actually the kind of Man you need. And he makes all these deductions because you’re all he can think of. But in line with safety, he first has to find out if you’re both ‘on the same wavelength’ where he can be ‘safe’ with you. He has to make sure it’s the right decision before letting you in – because he’s fully aware what level of havoc you can cause when you’re not the right one.

So you see? Choosing you, first of all, was not on a whim. And he had to make all these serious decisions while mere thoughts of you could send him over the edge.

So you make his day, no, his life, when you say “yes, I’ll go out with you”. Honeymoon goes on for as long as you both can make it. He still calls you 3-5 times a day; visits you as often as possible; you step into his room and he lights up; you hear “that’s his girlfriend” wherever you go and you could not have felt any higher: Life’s Good!

Then one day you first notice that the calls have ‘degenerated’ into mostly SMS texts…then just SMS’s with calls just rarely…then just smilies!!! Horror of horrors! What’s wrong with that man who swore to make you happy and to always be there for you? Who kidnapped him and replaced him with this guy who just comes to visit you rarely nowadays and then falls asleep there?! Who’s this guy who (if you’re lucky) only responds “me too” whenever you say ‘I love you’? Why does he seem unresponsive some days when you go to his room to see him and he just clackety-clacks away on his PC while you sit on his bed, evidently wanting to have a discussion with him?

He’s changed. Or has he?

The truth is that he’s become comfortable with you. He now knows you love him and he doesn’t feel any pressure to stand out by being on his toes always, even if he doesn’t want to. He’s ‘slacking off’ now. He thinks like the University’s ‘Block System’ at times: once that part of the relationship has gone by (Courtship, Honeymoon, etc) he doesn’t see it as something he should revisit as a necessity because he ‘passed’ it. Revisiting it becomes extra, for special occasions only. Our lady on the other hand wants her daily romance to never end: Like professional work, a day without using what you’ve learnt in its entirety is one wasted. Simple. The problem arises because both of you are right! He thinks this way because he mostly sees the beginning of the relationship as a point where he has to prove both himself and his love to you: once he succeeds, why should he have to do that every day? She on the other hand sees the beginning of the relationship as a preview of greater things to come: because you’ve shown her what your love looks like, she’s looking forward to experiencing even more of it.

But he isn’t a saint either: he has some bad habits too. Before he met you, his mother was the woman of his life. His father did his part in instructing him on the ways of Men (or not!) but his mother was always his ‘reference point’ for love. So now he’s trying to shift to you or to duplicate it somewhat to express how much he loves you (no weird Oedipus Complex matter here o!). Now think of this: if even his mother who he’s known for some twenty-odd years gets his calls about once a week (a very attached guy!), how much do you think you should naturally expect? Fine, it’s actually not a good thing because you who’ve been the apple of your father’s eye get to talk to him whenever you want and as often as you want so that’s the impression of a Man in your life who’s dependable, loving and thoughtful, as far as you’re concerned! (Incidentally, there is some truth in the belief that men marry women who remind them of their mothers while women marry men who remind them of their fathers) See where the problem comes in? He just doesn’t know how to call just to check in, or how to take you out for a nice time! That thought seems too ridiculous, doesn’t it? But it’s true. So what stops you from teaching him?

And in case you don’t know this young ladies, the power of a relationship lies chiefly in your hands! You have the power to make your man do anything you want to! You don’t believe me, do you? Men are like asses: strong but stubborn, doggedly so. If you try to pull it somewhere you want it to go, just for the hell of it, it’ll pull in the exact opposite direction. But coax it to move with you and it’ll keep going for incredible distances with you and your load on its back…happily. A good guy knows when you sacrifice for him and makes a note of it. You’ll get it back in the Good Book’s own words…Luke 6:38: “…good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over…” He loves you for Heaven’s sake! Why wouldn’t he want to do everything in his power to make you smile? In fact, that’s one of the main reasons why Men tend to buy gifts for women more than vice versa: the new bracelet is linked to your waking up early to prepare breakfast so both of you can eat before you go to work.

Another piece of vital information: a little appreciation goes a long way. I dare you to not get shocked by the results of you one day, for no reason at all, sitting down your Man and looking deep into his eyes and saying something that goes like “For no reason at all and for every time you’ve been good to me, I’d like to say thank you. I love you for who you are and I know you have your faults but I can’t wait to see the Man you’ll become as the days go by because if you’re this wonderful even now, the Person you’ll become tomorrow will probably just blow my mind away!” I predict that you’ll have to beat him away with a frying pan in the days to come. And the beauty of this approach is that it goes both ways! Guys, here’s one tip for your relationship (and here I feel another article coming on: Guys & Love 101! lol)

And let me spell it out to you: you’re his last defence! When everything goes wrong, you alone have the ability to turn it all around in a single minute. It’s a privilege that cuts in both directions though, so don’t abuse it. Wise ladies can ‘tune up’ their men to the point that he becomes a virtual Superman when he steps out there, while other women may break him down to the point that any success comes to him as a surprise because he believes he can’t do anything right, thoughtless of excel! Choose this day…

But it’s not enough to just talk about all this: we need solutions. Most importantly, you both need to understand that this is new territory and whatever ‘rules’ prevailed previously, they won’t and shouldn’t be applied in this relationship. Boy, she’s not your mama but she’s used to a more involved man in her life so you have to bridge the gap, the best you can. Girl, he’s not your daddy and he understands the presence of a woman in his life quite differently from your understanding of a man in your life so you’ve got to understand him when he doesn’t ‘daddy up’ like how you’re used to.

Ladies, here’s what he wanted me to tell you; Gentlemen, she’d want you to know this:

• He’d like you to know that once he says he loves you, it’s still in effect until he says he doesn’t: don’t continue asking him to prove it to you by being someone he just cannot be. She’d like you to know she knows love can be a tricky business and since she can’t read your mind, she needs to actually hear you say it because your behaviour sometimes is just…impossible.
• He wants you to know that he has a heart too and he protects it with so many barriers because he’s fully aware of the consequences of not taking good care of it. He doesn’t keep you out because he doesn’t care about you – it’ll just take some time. She wants you to know that she’s opened up her heart to you as a template for you to open up your heart to her: she’s the expert here – let her help you.
• He wants you to know that you can hurt him at times and the closer to him you are, the more serious it gets; so if you still insist on getting closer, try harder not to do what will make him bleed. She wants you to know she bleeds easily, so be gentle when you handle her. Never intentionally hurt her.
• He wants you to know he’s not psychic: as much as he’d love to, he cannot read your mind. You need to actually tell him what you’re really thinking of or else he’ll act on the premise of the most obvious deduction. She’d like you to also know that she cannot always just assume she knows what’s on your mind: she wants your input not because she cannot make up her mind without you, but because it matters more when it’s a decision arrived at byboth of you. Grunts, shrugs and weird facial expressions are not suitable responses: you’re so obviously not paying her any attention that you trying to fake it that way is just insulting. Stop!

The best answer of all lies in us both at least trying to understand each other. We’ll probably never fully get there but the funny thing that we have in common is that we both appreciate effort. What says I love you better than seeing him trying hopelessly to make you dinner to say sorry? Or her insisting on picking up the tab after a night out?

There’s not enough paper in this world to write the words necessary to work out all the differences between Men and Women, that’s why I offer a few words to help out in every situation: Understanding. Communication. Honesty. Respect. Support. Trust. Selflessness. Love.

Pray for me, so I can remember all this when I meet Ms. Wonderful again and she turns my CPU to mush!

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