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Posts Tagged ‘God’

Pot Bellies & Poor Childhoods -The Magical Link!

18 Feb

Definitely not me :-DWhen I was in senior high, there wasn’t enough flesh on me to make a fowl with. Now though, I think I could wrap around two cows fairly easily. Of course I’m kidding, just one cow will do. I still am!! but you get my drift? The hollow in my shoulder is long gone and the stomach that curved inwards is now slightly inverted (note the emphasis on slightly).

My friend Yaw has this theory; pot bellies are the preserves of men with poor childhoods. It’s highly contentious, but just you wait.

You see, some of us grew up in zongos where giant gutters were game reserves, not sewage outlets, heck we cooked good food with sand and hibiscus flowers. Egg (whether boiled or fried) was shared among at least four children. There were times you’d go for your plate of rice and stew and see the shiny white bulge of an egg perching right there in the center. You’d flip it over and see that you’d been tricked! It was just half of the thing! If a stubborn ah-don-care auntie or uncle happened to be around and your plan was to save that protein for the last bite, you’ll learn very quickly that earlier is always better.

Powdered milk was dished out in tiny teaspoons and the evaporated milk was served in droplets. Coke -and his brothers- was too concentrated to be drunk like that so it had to be diluted and shared among (at least) two kids. Cerelac? CERELAC? Cere-what??!! Go and drink Ma koko and Tombrown wor hor wor hor. If Arlecchino Ice Cream depended on my childhood to succeed,  Read the rest of this entry »

 
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5 Inches of Cleavage & a Rosary.

21 Oct

5 inchyBehold, I lifteth up mine eyes after a heated ‘Father Forgive my sins’ session, and there coming from my extreme right was one adorned in a garment that covered her completely, but only from waist downward. Waist upwards was a nearly naked story. The cut at her back went so low I counted twelve spinal columns, only four remained hidden. The sparse clothing upwards allowed her hefty bosom to give me a five-inch smile. And there, nestled between those two outdoored twins was a symbol of Calvary.

Who? Who was there to save the Savior? Certainly not me, because moments after I had to repeat my ‘Father Forgive my sins’ session.

Sometimes I feel we have a misguided sense of what pleases God and what He’s cool with. We’re like the eager 5 inchhtoddler who drags his mother to come see all the Picasso-level multicolored crayon drawings he’s done on the white sitting room walls. “Mummy, mummy, you see I can draw?” he asks eagerly. Her dilemma is between murder and disinheritance. In the end she smiles weakly before reaching for a cane (I’ve just revealed to you a snippet of my childhood).We discolor and disfigure so many precious gifts from God and march into His presence with blind boldness. O forgive!!

But back to the cleavage business Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in Blog, Religion

 

Me & The Most Notorious Old Testament King.

08 Oct

king ahab Well there’s this dude in the Old Testament who makes any gargantuan crime of any politician seem like child’s play. What baffles me is that at a time when God was extremely active in king making, this king managed to remain in power for 22 years! I’m also curious about his wife, a woman who scared the legendary prophet Elijah out of his socks animal-skin flip-flops, a woman who is even used in modern day to describe evil, ruthless women who stop at nothing to get what they want; Jezebel.

So I called King Ahab up, and I was like “Yo, what’re my chances of getting an exclusive with you?” I was surprised when he acquiesced, but I guess there’s something about the afterlife that humbles even the proudest of us. When he showed up, he had such an air of humility about him, but alas, it’s appointed unto man to die once, and afterwards face judgment.

After offering him a much-appreciated sachet of special ice pure water (lol), I dug right in.

Me: Ahab, can I call you that, without the ‘King’? Kinda makes it long

K.A: Well, I guess. Much worse has befallen me since I died.

Me: Really? Like what? Okay, you know what, let’s start from scratch; tell me about your family.

He sighed, heavily.

K.A: Well, it’s no secret; my dad wasn’t the perfect role model.

Me: I don’t mean to be cold, but you say it like he was close to being perfect when in fact Omri sinned against the Lord more than any of his predecessors right?

K.A: Yes, but he moved the capital of the Northern Kingdom of Israel from Tirzah to Samaria. The military and strategic implications of that move were profound. We were more strategically located than all the major cities in all directions, so you see he wasn’t all evil. Besides, how can I judge him when I turned out worse?

Me: I was coming to that. Ahab, you were the oldest of three boys. You knew your dad and were old enough to see his mistakes and its consequences. Why on earth did you repeat them, and on a greater scale? I mean the Bible at some point even states “There was no one else who had devoted himself so completely to doing wrong in the Lord’s sight as Ahab.” Chaa, yawa o.

K.A:  I want it to go on record, that I’m not being a coward or a snitch by saying this behind her back, but Jezebel was the reason for it. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in Religion

 

To Beautiful Women…

23 Aug

pretty girlHi pretty girl,

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s harder for you to find true love, than it is for a plain Jane. You are so hot that most of your romantic prospects pursue you for the wrong reasons. The symmetrical evenness of your bosom, along with the delicate curvature of your figure, topped by the sheer aesthetic genius of your face makes reasoning an impossible feat around you.

Jerry, Nana Kwame and all those other guys professing undiluted, undying love aren’t fooling you o, they’re acting under the duress of your gorgeousness. Sadly, it’s not a permanent state; they will awake at a point, and then reveal their true colors, then you’ll feel used.

It’s not your fault, your looks compete with your virtues, and when the lingering effect of your beauty has waned, the erstwhile cool dude changes, wondering what it was he saw in you in the first place.

Your beauty does so much for you. You don’t stress to get lifts, in fact, any time you step out there’re a range of flashy cars to choose from. It guarantees you flashy gadgets, clothes and favors plain Janes wont get even if they extended their eyelashes to touch the top of their heads. Gye se w’anka, whatever material thing you could need is just a flash away. So why are you so lonely? Is it true that there are more beautiful women with low self-esteem than there are Chinese phones for sale at Circle? Read the rest of this entry »

 
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The Most Beautiful Letter I Ever Wrote!

28 May

Dear God,

love letterIf I was Hezekiah and you sent your prophet to tell me that I should put my house in order because I was about to die, what’ll I tell you? What’ll I ask you to remember so much so that you’ll feel obliged to give me 15 more years, even 1 year sef? Is it the 20 pesewas I give to those poor Sudan kids from time to time? Or the ‘noodles-like’ quiet times I have with you? Is it my gentlemanly, controlled dances at church? I couldn’t even come up with one major reason to confront you and demand an extra year!

When in heaven someday all my other brothers and sisters in you are showing off with basketfuls of evidence of good works done by being faithful and obedient to you, what’ll I show? The one or two things in my hand? I’ll be shy mpo. So please help me leave no stone unturned. May the only reason why I was unable to climb any mountain or overcome any hurdle in my life be because you willed me not to.

May I come to terms with the fact that by Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted in Blog